Thursday, October 14, 2010

My Recuring Nightmare

Have you ever had a dream you died?

Have you even woken up from that dream disappointed and frustrated that it wasn't real?

I have.

NO, I am not suicidal. *Please keep reading!*

For the past 5 days I have had the same dream:

I die. I am somewhere, I am assuming it is heaven but it looks more like a courthouse (coincidence, I think not).

I am walking around looking for Brad, my brother. He is so close. I can feel it.

I can hear his voice, even though I can barely remember what it sounds like.

I can smell him, even though I can hardly remember that smell.

I can sense him.

I always think I am right around the corner, but then its like a movie where you just see a wisp of his shirt or his foot as he disappears around another corner.

Right when I think I am about to reach out and touch him...

I wake up.

This morning I woke up at 3:42 from this dream.

I curled up around my cat, Monty, and I cried silent tears.

I am so FRUSTRATED! All I want to do is see him. Talk to him. Hug him.

Hear him say he is proud of me.

When you grow up with two older brothers there is, without a doubt, a love hate relationship.

But you are always a team.

Family is something that you think will never go away....

And then it does.

It is heartbreaking.

My other brother has since distanced himself from me as well.

We both are at fault. We have both said unforgivable things.

This is the way of siblings.

As LeAnn Rimes says in here song "Family"

"The best of friends and worst enemies,
We're all to blame, we're all the same
Make no apologies, this is my family"

I miss both my brothers so much that sometimes it feels like I can't take another breath. Like there is a weight on my chest. Sometimes my legs buckle and I don't feel like I can get back up. And sometimes my vision blurs, my chin trembles and the tears just fall, uncontrollably.

What would I say if I could see either of them right now?

I don't know.....something along the lines of "I love you, crevice head."

Because lets face it, they are still my big brothers, which, by default, makes each of them a crevice head.

But, Oh. My. God. I miss them so much.

Pa'a ka waha.

1 comment:

  1. Recently my sister disappointed me so badly I did not know how to see past it. Then I remembered the feeling of not being able to talk to my mom and how awful it is when someone is really gone and how its not worth the energy to fight even if you have been wronged... I called my sister and said "look, you think you are right and I think I am, but i dont care whose right, i dont want you out of my life just because we dont agree, can we move on?" and guess what, she said yes. I dont know your situation or what you are going through, everyone is different, just thought i would share my experience cause I care about you and will do what i can to help!