Thursday, October 14, 2010

My Recuring Nightmare

Have you ever had a dream you died?

Have you even woken up from that dream disappointed and frustrated that it wasn't real?

I have.

NO, I am not suicidal. *Please keep reading!*

For the past 5 days I have had the same dream:

I die. I am somewhere, I am assuming it is heaven but it looks more like a courthouse (coincidence, I think not).

I am walking around looking for Brad, my brother. He is so close. I can feel it.

I can hear his voice, even though I can barely remember what it sounds like.

I can smell him, even though I can hardly remember that smell.

I can sense him.

I always think I am right around the corner, but then its like a movie where you just see a wisp of his shirt or his foot as he disappears around another corner.

Right when I think I am about to reach out and touch him...

I wake up.

This morning I woke up at 3:42 from this dream.

I curled up around my cat, Monty, and I cried silent tears.

I am so FRUSTRATED! All I want to do is see him. Talk to him. Hug him.

Hear him say he is proud of me.

When you grow up with two older brothers there is, without a doubt, a love hate relationship.

But you are always a team.

Family is something that you think will never go away....

And then it does.

It is heartbreaking.

My other brother has since distanced himself from me as well.

We both are at fault. We have both said unforgivable things.

This is the way of siblings.

As LeAnn Rimes says in here song "Family"

"The best of friends and worst enemies,
We're all to blame, we're all the same
Make no apologies, this is my family"

I miss both my brothers so much that sometimes it feels like I can't take another breath. Like there is a weight on my chest. Sometimes my legs buckle and I don't feel like I can get back up. And sometimes my vision blurs, my chin trembles and the tears just fall, uncontrollably.

What would I say if I could see either of them right now?

I don't know.....something along the lines of "I love you, crevice head."

Because lets face it, they are still my big brothers, which, by default, makes each of them a crevice head.

But, Oh. My. God. I miss them so much.

Pa'a ka waha.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Just how personal should I get...?

What to write about tonight?

I have a lot of topics running around in my head. I guess the question is, how much do I want to share with you people?

Do I trust you?

Do I trust myself?

I mean, lets be honest, am I being totally honest with my writing?

If not, then this is pointless.

So I will go with something a little "on the surface". After my blog on Monday about National Coming Out Day I feel a little raw and I think, for tonight, I will keep things light so as to not overwhelm myself.

So there is a local radio station here 105.9.

This used to be my favorite station.

It was a Christian based radio station and it was wonderful. It's DJs were down to earth and real. They were Christian leaders but they weren't without faults; nor were they afraid to make those faults public information.

They were parents: which means sometimes being frustrated

They were spouses: which means sometimes feeling let-down

They were friends: which means sometimes feeling taken advantage of

They were working Americans: which means sometimes not liking your job

They were Christians: which means sometimes feeling confused or even angry with God

And most of all they were HONEST!

They were uplifting and encouraging. They knew their Bibles and they knew their roles as disciples of Christ. And they were wonderful.

The station played a variety of music from all genres and as long as there wasn't anything inherently "bad" about it, it was fair game to be played.

And at night they played "The John Tesh Radio Show". A favorite program of mine.

Well, this radio station was recently bought out by someone else. The changes are obvious and the station now feels trite and feels, almost, like they take themselves too seriously.

The DJs are perfect. Perfect children, perfect spouse, perfect Christian, always in a good mood, etc.


The music is strictly from Christian artists singing about God.


That isn't how to draw people in! Sure, I can appreciate a great praise and worship song, nothing gets me going like old school SCC with "Diving In" and nothing is as beautiful as "As the Deer", but I sure do like to jam out too. Some good Carrie Underwood or Switchfoot, gimme some of that!

I know somewhere in Austin right now there is a teenage boy who has been broken up with and wants to hear a song about losing their first love. And somewhere else is a tween who is falling in love and wants to hear a song about fairy tales that come true.

And somewhere else is a wife missing her husband who is overseas and wants to hear a song about a soldier defending his country.

THOSE feel like the real issues to me.

And there might be a man out there struggling to lose weight and is missing the tips from John Tesh about healthy living and weight loss tips.

Or maybe a brother and sister are mouring the loss of a parent. One who might still be here but is suffering from Alzheimer's and doesn't remember their children or grandchildren. And they want tips on how to keep their minds sharp so they don't succumb to this same ugly disease.

Don't get me wrong, I love that there are more and more Christ Centered radio stations popping up here and there.

I just don't enjoy the changes I have heard in this one.

Just my thoughts.

What do you think?

Pa'a ka waha...

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

On a Personal Note


I never thought there would be so many people who cared about what I had to say.

Pretty cool.

On a personal note:

No, I am not a parent, nor have I ever been one. But I have been a nanny almost 8 years now.

Today my little girl that I cradled in my arms as an infant turned 3.


Has it really been 3 years? I took some time tonight to look at old pictures.

I cried.

Somehow, in the blur of the past 3 years, she went from a tiny infant who couldn't support her own head or hold her own bottle to this potty trained little conversationalist.

She is so smart. (I know every parent says that) But she really is very intelligent. (but given her gene pool I am not really surprised, her parents are both brilliant).

I am floored every day at the new things she does and the things she learns.

I adore her.

I can't even imagine what it will be like when I have my own.

Happy birthday, Princess, you are so loved.

Pa'a ka waha...

Monday, October 11, 2010

Diving in: National Coming Out Day

I have never been one to "wade into the pool". I am more of a "jump off the diving board" kind of a girl. So that is what I will do here.......(Hope I don't lose any friends)

Today is National Coming Out Day.

My heart is torn.

I don't understand the lifestyle. Maybe because I have never had feelings for another chica.

I love.

I understand love.

I get love.

I love my husband.

And lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender peeps love their partners.

I don't get it. But I also don't see what there is to get.

Its love, right? Isn't that the point?

I know a lot of bisexuals, a lot of lesbians and even a few F to M's. And I don't like them any less (or any more) than any of my straight friends.

Yes, I am a Christian. Clearly I have indicated that from the title of my blog.

So here is why I am torn: I know that it is a sin. But why?

And what part is the sin? Just the physical act? Or is the emotional attachment a sin as well?

Let me take a trip down memory lane, would you like to join me?

I am 16 and head over heels in love for the first time. This guy is perfect. We were friends before we dated. He loves horses. We ride together. He introduces me to country music. We go to Spring Dance together. We kiss. We hold hands. We write notes.

He is my first love.


His family decides to move to Colorado. :-( I am devastated.

At 16 we are wonderfully mature (HA!) but at least we are smart enough to know that at 16 a long distance relationship is just too much to expect of each other and of ourselves.

We decide to go back to being friends. The way we started.

It works. For the next 2 years we write letters, talk on the phone and take trips to see each other. Sure we kiss (when we aren't dating other people) and we hold hands and we cuddle when we see each other but for the most part we are just that: friends. Best friends.

We still are.

We don't talk nearly as often as I wish we did. But I know that if I am screwed at 3:17 AM in a back alley somewhere all I have to do is call.

Flash forward to college: a phone call.

Guess what, he is gay. Am I surprised? Not really. Does it change how I feel about him? No way.

Andrew was my first brush with love. And I treasure our friendship.

So I guess that is a long way of saying, why (as Christians) do we feel the need to publicly condemn homosexuality. Why did we choose that sin? Why not lying, cheating, ADULTRY (come on Christians, have you ever been unfaithful)?

God doesn't see GLBT as any more or less sinful than you. Its not like there is a "Sin Scale".

Does anyone out there feel the same way I do?


No one told me who I could and couldn't love. I would be LIVID if they did. So I don't feel the right to tell anyone else who to love.

Nor do I think their rights should vary from mine. If you want to take your chance on love, sign that dotted line, pay your taxes and say "yup, we are married", why should anyone have the power to say NO.

No one tells me what sins I can and cannot commit, so what gives "the powers that be" the power to decide that??

Which me back to my original question: Why is it a sin? What makes it a sin? Why is one kind of love a precious gift and another considered a sin? I don't get it.....

And while I am sure I did...I didn't mean to offend anyone. Wow, what a great choice for a first blog post....*sarcasm*

Pa'a ka waha...

Let me introduce myself, and explain what I am doing here.....


I am Holly.

Why am I starting a Blog?

I am glad you asked! Because, frankly, I am a talker and I have a lot of opinions.

Why Confused Christian Cowgirl?

Because those are the bare bones of me: I am at the deepest level 3 things:

A Christian
A Cowgirl
And Confused

There are a lot of things in this world that I am sure about:

1. I know that air conditioning is the greatest invention ever
2. I know I married the man that God chose for me
3. I know that there are TONS of amazing people in the world
4. I know I would make a great actress

But there are a lot of things in this world I am confused about:

1. Why we don't have some kind of "U turn" signal (Like a turn signal) on our cars?
2. Why there aren't breathalyzers on every car sold in America?
3. Why can 18 year olds go to war and not drink a beer to say farewell?

My blog is basically going to be a stream of consciousness.

I will ask questions and pose thoughts. No one, I repeat NO ONE is to be judged for something that they respond to on my blog. I WANT everyone's thoughts and feedback. That doesn't mean that we will always agree and it doesn't mean that there won't be fights. I am sure that there will be.

But here it is: Me

All I ask is that you be kind and respectful of others. Giving your opinion doesn't mean you have to degrade someone else's.

Kisses to all!

Pa'a ka waha...