Testing. Testing. 1. 2. 3.

Can you hear my now?

So, I downloaded the blogger ap on my phone and I am trying to figure our how it works.

This picture was posted on my facebook. I can't get over it. It makes me cry every time I see it.

Wow, it's been awhile

Here I am again. I have fallen off the blogger wagon. But I am back and I have lots to talk about.

It's been a big year already!

The hubs and I bought a house:

And now we are house broke. I have been doing a ton of DIY projects and I thought I would blog about some of them. Of course, most of them are in a stage of "half-completion" right now, but this blog is going to make me finish them so I can post before and after pics.

I have also been on a health and fitness kick. I started going to boot camp in February and changed my eating habits. During the month of March (when we moved) my butt totally fell off the health and fitness wagon and on to the "I am exhausted and worn out" wagon.

So I am basically back at square 1.

Awesome.

This chick is my motivation because, basically, she rocks.

Ok, tata for now. Can't wait to show off my DIY pics!

A Skinny Girl's Weight Loss Diary

Yes, I have been lucky. I have been blessed with a great metabolism.

All my life I have been a skinny girl.

And....my 20's are catching up with me. At 26 (almost 27) I am finding that I cannot continue on the current boat I am on. So, time to disembark and find another boat. I should probably look for one that I paddle myself.

I got married on June 25th of last year. It is March 15th. That is 9 months.

In 9 months I have gained 12 pounds.

Ouch.

Yesterday when I stepped onto the scale at the gym I was expecting bad news. But 12 pounds?

Ouch.

I will not post numbers or before and after pictures at this time. My intention is to do so once I reach my goal weight.

I was supposed to do my bridal portraits in April. I didn't have time last year because by the time my dress came in for the wedding I had just enough time to get it altered before boarding a plane for the Riviera Maya. And after the wedding, well, it became an after thought.

So my intention was to do them this spring. Unfortunately, I don't fit in my dress.

So, my friends, the time has come. I have different expectations of myself then I ever have in the past. I don't want a tiny waist or small arms. I want rockin' abs and toned arms.

I no longer have to focus on "can my pas de deux partner lift me" or "will the camera see the hot dog I ate last night". My ballet and modeling days are behind me.

I have different goals now. I want to run a 5k (actually run it), and do a half-marathon, and a marathon. I want to be healthy.

Because here is the thing. Sure, I am still in the "healthy body weight" range for someone my age and my height.

I am still thin.

I am not healthy.

Time to change.

Instead of doing before pics right now, I will use this one (for some reason it is uploading at the top of this post instead of the bottom). Its from my bachelorette party when I was comfortably in a size 2 dress.

Time for some serious work to begin.

So tonight I went and played indoor volleyball and tomorrow is my first racquetball league game.

Off to a good start.

The Circle of Life (yes, I went there)

Wow, do I feel lazy. I haven't blogged in months. There have been things that have come up that I should have written down but (frankly) I forgot my password and was too lazy to do the reset.

Ok, so now I am back and its a new year and a new season.

I love this time of year. Its cool in the mornings, the afternoons are warm and the backyard is starting to look green again. I am blessed to have awesome neighbors with two border collies and a 3 mile trail (that no one knows about) in my backyard. The trail we hike on is technically in Sunset Valley which is an "off-leash" city. The only time the "kids" have to be on leashes is during July and August because that is when the baby dear are born and the city doesn't want your dog eating the babies.

Now to my point. While hiking in the woods on Thursday after work David and I stopped at our normal "water tree" to give Maya a drink and all of the sudden nature showed itself. There was a pack of coyotes probably no more than 50 feet away. They started going crazy; howling, barking, crying, yelping. We quickly put Maya on the leash (lest she make an attempt to join the fun) and stood and listened. You could tell the pack was moving...quickly. They were hunting and they were on something. The yells got more frantic and louder and suddenly.....it stopped.

They caught whatever it was. And (I am sure) death came shortly after that.

Its not that I get sad about the death of an animal, after all it is nature. Had it been MY animal, yes, I would be upset, but that's just the way life goes sometimes.

Needless to say we turned tail and headed home at that point.

Ok, so this blog wasn't real deep, cut me some slack. Now I have to go clean up throw up....we have a sick kitty on our hands.

Racism - Really?

First of all, let me start by apologizing if this blog is a little incoherent.

I have been trying to put my thoughts together on this for a few days now and every time I do I get so angry that I start to shake. So I decided that instead of sit here and "think" about what I was going to write I was just going to sit down and write.

So here it goes....

There are a few things in today's world that I thought, at this juncture, that we as a society are "over".

For Instance: Do people still really think women are the lesser sex? Are people really still racist?

Really?

I figured at this point this was just something we would make jokes about like "Remember when we thought the Earth was flat?" "Haha, yeah, we were so dumb back then."

Racism is one of those things.

I was raised by parents who didn't see color. My first "real" boyfriend was Hispanic. I went to military ball with a black man. I went to China with my Asian boyfriend and his family.

I think of Racism as something we sing about in musicals like Avenue Q (Everyone's a Little bit Racist.)

And then it is thrown in my face that this is still a very real issue.

COME ON!!!

How can an, overall, intelligent society still deal with racism. HOW IGNORANT ARE WE?

What is it that people think? Do they think that Blacks or Hispanics or Asians are less intelligent? Less responsible? Less WHAT?!?!

Someone explain it to me, cause I don't get it!!!

I don't even know what to say.

*This is the point where I start shaking*

My husband, David, and I are planning to adopt. Adoption as a first choice. We don't see adoption as a "last ditch effort". David and I see a lot of children without loving homes and we see ourselves as two adults with a loving home to offer.

We just want a healthy baby/toddler (whatever we can get).

We don't care about boy, girl, black, white, hispanic, short, skinny, brunette, blond, bald....

All I can say is should we end up with a dark skinned angel in our arms if ANYONE so much as looks at my child in a degrading way I will attack.

"The most dangerous place in the world is between a mother and her child."

That is all.

I can't stand this subject anymore tonight. I need to go take a bath and seethe.

Pa'a ka waha.

My Recuring Nightmare

Have you ever had a dream you died?

Have you even woken up from that dream disappointed and frustrated that it wasn't real?

I have.

NO, I am not suicidal. *Please keep reading!*

For the past 5 days I have had the same dream:

I die. I am somewhere, I am assuming it is heaven but it looks more like a courthouse (coincidence, I think not).

I am walking around looking for Brad, my brother. He is so close. I can feel it.

I can hear his voice, even though I can barely remember what it sounds like.

I can smell him, even though I can hardly remember that smell.

I can sense him.

I always think I am right around the corner, but then its like a movie where you just see a wisp of his shirt or his foot as he disappears around another corner.

Right when I think I am about to reach out and touch him...

I wake up.

This morning I woke up at 3:42 from this dream.

I curled up around my cat, Monty, and I cried silent tears.

I am so FRUSTRATED! All I want to do is see him. Talk to him. Hug him.

Hear him say he is proud of me.

When you grow up with two older brothers there is, without a doubt, a love hate relationship.

But you are always a team.

Family is something that you think will never go away....

And then it does.



It is heartbreaking.

My other brother has since distanced himself from me as well.

We both are at fault. We have both said unforgivable things.

This is the way of siblings.

As LeAnn Rimes says in here song "Family"

"The best of friends and worst enemies,
We're all to blame, we're all the same
Make no apologies, this is my family"

I miss both my brothers so much that sometimes it feels like I can't take another breath. Like there is a weight on my chest. Sometimes my legs buckle and I don't feel like I can get back up. And sometimes my vision blurs, my chin trembles and the tears just fall, uncontrollably.

What would I say if I could see either of them right now?

I don't know.....something along the lines of "I love you, crevice head."

Because lets face it, they are still my big brothers, which, by default, makes each of them a crevice head.

But, Oh. My. God. I miss them so much.



Pa'a ka waha.

Just how personal should I get...?

What to write about tonight?

I have a lot of topics running around in my head. I guess the question is, how much do I want to share with you people?

Do I trust you?

Do I trust myself?

I mean, lets be honest, am I being totally honest with my writing?

If not, then this is pointless.

So I will go with something a little "on the surface". After my blog on Monday about National Coming Out Day I feel a little raw and I think, for tonight, I will keep things light so as to not overwhelm myself.

So there is a local radio station here 105.9.

This used to be my favorite station.

It was a Christian based radio station and it was wonderful. It's DJs were down to earth and real. They were Christian leaders but they weren't without faults; nor were they afraid to make those faults public information.

They were parents: which means sometimes being frustrated

They were spouses: which means sometimes feeling let-down

They were friends: which means sometimes feeling taken advantage of

They were working Americans: which means sometimes not liking your job

They were Christians: which means sometimes feeling confused or even angry with God

And most of all they were HONEST!

They were uplifting and encouraging. They knew their Bibles and they knew their roles as disciples of Christ. And they were wonderful.

The station played a variety of music from all genres and as long as there wasn't anything inherently "bad" about it, it was fair game to be played.

And at night they played "The John Tesh Radio Show". A favorite program of mine.

Well, this radio station was recently bought out by someone else. The changes are obvious and the station now feels trite and feels, almost, like they take themselves too seriously.

The DJs are perfect. Perfect children, perfect spouse, perfect Christian, always in a good mood, etc.

FAKE!!!

The music is strictly from Christian artists singing about God.

WHAT?

That isn't how to draw people in! Sure, I can appreciate a great praise and worship song, nothing gets me going like old school SCC with "Diving In" and nothing is as beautiful as "As the Deer", but I sure do like to jam out too. Some good Carrie Underwood or Switchfoot, gimme some of that!

I know somewhere in Austin right now there is a teenage boy who has been broken up with and wants to hear a song about losing their first love. And somewhere else is a tween who is falling in love and wants to hear a song about fairy tales that come true.

And somewhere else is a wife missing her husband who is overseas and wants to hear a song about a soldier defending his country.

THOSE feel like the real issues to me.

And there might be a man out there struggling to lose weight and is missing the tips from John Tesh about healthy living and weight loss tips.

Or maybe a brother and sister are mouring the loss of a parent. One who might still be here but is suffering from Alzheimer's and doesn't remember their children or grandchildren. And they want tips on how to keep their minds sharp so they don't succumb to this same ugly disease.

Don't get me wrong, I love that there are more and more Christ Centered radio stations popping up here and there.

I just don't enjoy the changes I have heard in this one.

Just my thoughts.

What do you think?

Pa'a ka waha...